meme stolen from archangelbeth

[incandescens]

Ask any character I've written for advice, and they will provide it, advice columnist style. Your problems or fictional characters' problems both welcome. Management is not responsible for the results of following said advice.

Comments

[archangelbeth]

Dear Irene,

My books seem to be overflowing the space for them, and defy organization frequently. How can I tame the rampaging paper hordes?

--Signed,
Overbooked

[incandescens]

Dear Overbooked,

Even the best of libraries will be hampered by a lack of organisation and good filing. Be firm. Be ruthless. Acquire more space by whatever means are necessary. Your books will understand.

Irene

[starsandtildes.livejournal.com]

Dear Mr. Wright,

I have just been accepted into law school. As a fairly recent law student, do you have any tips for survival, or even success?

[incandescens]

Dear Law School Student,

I have only three words for you. Never Give Up. Wait, that should be Always Trust Your Client. Is that four words, or should it be seven?

Phoenix

PS - having a mentor helps, whether they're dead or alive.

[solaas.livejournal.com]

Dear Teraphim,

I find myself constantly interrupted in my very important work by overly friendly Malakim, relentlessly curious proto-angels and the occasional Archangel. In addition, my neighbour is stinking up our entire hall with his bad celestial hygiene. Have you any advice for my situation?

-Signed,
Liriel

[incandescens]

Dearest Liriel,

I attach a full release. Please fill it in at once and return it to me: exposure of your problems on television across Heaven and Hell (and between) will do wonders to help solve them.

With Love To My Very Newest Reality TV Star,

Teraphim

[liedra.livejournal.com]

Dear Kyouraku-taichou,

There's this man I know who continues to shower me in affection, yet I am not interested! Not even slightly! Okay maybe a little bit but I feel guilty about it. Or something. But I don't think I love him, but I'm not sure, oh I'm so confused. How can I sort myself out?! What can I do?!

Sincerely,
Nenei Asi

[incandescens]

Dear Nenei Asi,

If you truly think this fellow is worthy of you, then abandon yourself to wild excess and trust his passionate affection, his sincere devotion, and his loving admiration of your beautiful willowy body.

SWALK

Your Kyouraku-taichou

[yhibiki.livejournal.com]

Dear Dr. Muraki,

I have a small bump under my knee, is it serious? Could I die from it? What should I do to get it cured?

- Worried

[incandescens]

Dear Worried,

You can never be too careful. I would recommend the services of a good surgeon. Think about it -- what's your leg, compared to your life?

Muraki

[veleda-k.livejournal.com]

Dear Kyouraku-taichou,

There's a person that I'm a bit in love with, but they are unaware of my feelings. How might I go about subtly telling them how I feel?

[incandescens]

Dear correspondent,

There is much to be said for simple acts of affection: coffee at dawn, chocolates at midday, wine at dusk, and poetry through the long hours of the night (with additional coffee, chocolates, and wine if so desired). Gentle words, loving compliments, and admiring glances of adoration will all help signal to your beloved that you are sincere, devoted, and deeply in love with them, and that your heart and loins ache for the moment that you can be theirs.

If such subtle hints fail to work, you may wish to proceed to a more direct course of action, such as turning up in an appropriate state of dress (or undress) and in a situation where your feelings cannot be mistaken. (However, you are advised not to try this on Eleventh Division, as they are callow fools who think that turning up naked in their bed is merely a prelude to battle. And not the right sort of battle, either.)

Yours in the deepest of sympathy,

Kyouraku Shunsui

PS: send a private letter to this address with full details for more specific advice.

[amethyst-hunter.livejournal.com]

Dear Akabane-san,

What does one do for chronic migraines, especially those brought on by having to deal with Stupid People? Thanks in advance.

- AH

[incandescens]

Dear AH,

I believe that removing the organ in question (the head, that is) is considered an acceptable course of action: however, you may wish to consider whether to perform this upon yourself, or on the person causing the migraine, as current medical opinion holds that both courses of action will result in fewer migraines for you.

Akabane Kuroudo

[rvdammit.livejournal.com]

Dear Ivan

Any tips for staying below the radar, othe than having a famous cousin?

[incandescens]

Dear rv,

Just remember that both excellence and incompetence will get you noticed. The best place to be is somewhere that combines useful service to your superiors, comfort, and not getting tapped for suicidal or particularly difficult jobs.

Good luck,

Ivan Vorpatril

[illsaideffxi.livejournal.com]

Dear Princess Fiona,

I have been proposed to by a man I am quite fond of (in fact, excessively fond of). However, the society we travel in would require me to put my own plots and intrigues aside to support him. On the plus side, accepting would irk both of our families to no end. What is your learned opinion?

--Signed,
Mischief's Daughter

[incandescens]

Dear Mischief's Daughter,

There is absolutely nothing wrong in being fond of a man whom you may have to marry (indeed, it is generally preferable to the alternative). However, love on its own is no basis for marriage, and one's family should not be irked purely for the sake of irking them.

Consider. If you must put aside all your own plans, plots, and aspirations to power, how much help can you actually be to him in an emergency? How can you support him when you have effectively castrated your own power base? Is this truly a gesture of affection?

My dear girl, think again. Find some way to be with him that will not disempower you. If he truly loves you, then he will want you as you should be: dangerous, powerful, effective. Explain to him that your refusal is merely for the public, and use this apparent acquiescence to force a few benefits out of your family -- and his, if you can manage it. Build up your power base. Research some truly inappropriate marriages for both yourself and your prospective husband, so that by comparison you/he will seem the better choice. If necessary, engineer a crisis which requires help from both of you to resolve it.

But don't be stampeded into things. He can always propose again, some other time, but a public acceptance of such a proposal in front of family is very hard to take back again afterwards. (Whatever Caine may say about claiming that it was just one of your Shadows.)

Your affectionate

Fiona